Let’s just say, death isn’t pretty… Besides it being so deadly, and final, and one of the largest mysteries on earth, it is the final frontier. We can’t really research it unless we ‘go there’ and usually, we do not come back, but on this side of the veil death shows its bizarre face, and I find it worth a countdown.
Since death is a process and only begins with the heart ceasing to beat, the rest slowly follows over hours and days. And that’s where the freak show begins.
What was that? I can’t make fun of it? Sure I can. It happens to everyone. We’re all in this together. Also, it’s not you, it’s just your body. You are long gone…
What you’re asking? Only 10 bizarre things? No, there are much more, but I gathered the best, the ugliest and ‘saddests ones. Or so I find. And so we’ll jump right into the gross stuff. At Number …
10. Your body will shit its ‘pants’
As rigor mortis sets in, some parts of our body, the sphincters, are being loosened. Until now the brain kept them closed as part of regulating all involuntary functions, however, when the brain shuts down, the sphincters open and a corpse will rid itself of urine or feces left in the body. Good riddance. – Or quickly go to the toilet before you, uhm, die…
9. Death doesn’t become us or now would be the appropriate time for plastic surgery
Yeah, no kidding, and all tummy tucks couldn’t prepare us. Since gasses are produced in our intestines and decomposing organs they make our eyes bulge coming out of their sockets, our tongues start to swell up and extend out of our mouths, we become purple, but only on the half you lie on, since the blood pools because of gravity, and your hand and foot nails protrude, appearing to grow, due to our skins losing moisture. Yum.
Regarding our skin, it will actually detach itself from bones and muscles and slip off, kind off. One comfort though is that we seem to lose our wrinkles as all muscles stop to contract. Rigor Botox…
8. You start singing, farting and moaning
If you have seen movie Swiss Army Man you know dead sure that the combination of rigor mortis, which includes the vocal cord muscles combined with gasses secreted by bacteria in our guts and lungs can lead corpses to fart, squeak, or moan. Well, I hope we’ll find the right tunes or have something pleasant to moan about.
7. Our body eats itself up
Better said our gut bacteria. These buggers experience a massive growth in population due to our immune system being dead and all. Those suckers eat themselves through anything they can find. The gut of course first, then eventually other organs. Hmmm, liver…
6. Body explosives, or piercing would be not a good idea
Again, those gasses doing us no favors. One question: what happens with a gas build-up when it has nowhere to go? Yep! Anyway, one or the other way do NOT pierce, puncture or rapture a corpse when it looks bloated. Ever.
5. Body slushy, anyone?
Yes, there I said it, we literally become a slushy. With our cell walls breaking down a liquefication process starts turning our organs into …something none of us want to see, or drink for that matter.
4. We finally made it into the Wax Museum
Our skin seems to be the organ of deadly wonders. After we die, it can either turn to wax or soap, given the right conditions. That can happen if the corpse was conserved by cold/ice or water, or if your casket had a hole and alkali seeped into it (turning you into soap). However, if exposed to air, our skin will turn hard and chewy, like leather.
Also, if buried in a casket and exposed to air (like above ground/mausoleum conditions), you will not only rot and putrefy but become liquid or explode. Once can’t win when dead, eh? Just make sure your casket is ventilated. Spend the extra bucks on air conditioning, will ya?
3. The Lazarus effect, or you aren’t out of dance moves
The Lazarus effect is my personal favorite because it looks so voluntary. It takes its time. As does the effort learning how to dance. So when you’re watching someone who has been declared dead only to suddenly move, don’t be alarmed. The corpse practices its dance moves. Ok, jokes aside, the Lazarus effect is real. What it does is, the dead body lifts both arms, crosses them over the chest, or sometimes just pulls them in, then holds the position for a couple of seconds, to put both arms back down. Science doesn’t know why, but nature sure likes messing with us. If you don’t believe me watch the video here.
2. Rigus Boner
Remember how blood pools at the lowest point due to gravity? And how muscles may contract or flex? Well, yeah, uhm, some male bodies experience these effects in the unmentionables, causing their you know what to have an erection, like hanging victims for example. Officially it’s called ‘angel lust’. But worse, due to muscle contractions, males dead bodies can also ejaculate, so we should call it ‘post-ejaculation’ problems.
1. Coffin Birth
If a woman being pregnant died, the gasses (again those) will eventually push out the dead fetus from her womb/vagina. Some graves that got dug up found two skeletons instead of one. Nothing funny about that, so I am not going to make any jokes about it. It is a rather sad.
Anyway, tada, my countdown of bizarre things that can happen to your body once you died.
Have I missed anything? Let me know what strange things happened to you when you died, and leave a comment below.