I like change, always have. I am weird that way, I guess, given that most people like things as they are, try to stay in their comfort zone hating change. Well, I am different. If my life doesn’t change every 1-2 years I am getting bored. And with bored I mean depressed.
I feel stuck and pinned down, get restless and gloomy. I usually feel empty and need to find a release, which explains my thousand hobbies and interests, and also sometimes my inconsistency to follow through with all my started projects. At least it would explain that the basket weaving materials are heaping up outside on the veranda, or an entire messy studio of paint and craft supplies, or my abundance of cooking equipment spread over three rooms.
Ok, thats easily explained. I ran a cafe for two years and hey, you need all the gadgets and baking tins available for a commercial kitchen. Hehe. Yes, one does.
Anyway, from the early years of being a teenager, I read self-help and personal development books as my way to move on from traumatic and painful experiences of my childhood and teenage years. I grew up in a rather chaotic and abusive environment and needed to understand and grow beyond my current situations, at least internally, at least emotionally, and so it became second nature for me to observe, investigate and feel my inner emotional states.
It didn’t help immediately and I accumulated more trauma until the early thirties to see what I am doing. However, instead of running away from the pains, to survive I swore to myself back then as a kid, and kept this vow until today, to feel what I feel, to investigate and to find tools that could help me change and heal.
This choice empowered me to see that I was no victim after all. I could do something about my impossible family situations. I could change me! And I learned how I attracted and emphasized the pains, and identified my reactions as part of the issue. And if I could transform my patterns into more useful habits to serve me better, to find attitudes that supported my natural joy, well, that outlook gave me hope to attract better circumstances and nicer people.
Sure, pain isn’t fun, and working myself through anguish and grief isn’t fun either, not then, not now, 25 years later. And even while being on the healing journey it isn’t all that pleasant, like rainbow and unicorns, BUT, and thats a big but, once I am through and see the light at the end of the tunnel to experience myself differently, I love it. Better said, I love me.
Growth for me means I am expanding my horizon, my inner world and when climbing to new heights, I conquer and stand on new grounds. There, I am revealing myself in a new light every time the old layers come off. Growth and change seem to reveal my truth, who I truly am. The famous onion metaphor. To develop and grow seem to me more like a returning, a remembering to something that has always been there, slumbering in my depths. It is a homecoming.
And being home is all that matters to me now. Home is me, is being myself. And I won’t compromise on that state. I am me. I am my own authority and decide if I am good enough, worthy or capable. And I do not depend on anyone’s approval or opinion.
Integrating the new me, my change and how the inner work has paid off is truly awesome. Seeing how I react differently in situations that had always only been a narrow one-way street for me and how life around me slowly morphs, adjusts and adapts to the new me, is fascinating. What a thrill!
I can really appreciate happiness. Anyone who tasted the cup of pain, for more than once will understand. And the nicest thing is, when you do the soul searching, the work, facing the ugly truths, real change is often self-perpetuating. Once set in motion things unfold that I could have never seen coming.
So yeah, growth became like a drug to me. If I am not changing, moving, making progress, develop and change in one or the other way, coming closer to the real me, feeling more alive and seeing more beauty every day, I am bored.
However, even though I might sound like one, I’m not a workshop junkie. Someone who is running from one guru or from one weekend-workshop or retreat to the next. Actually, I am rather ‘choosie’ nowadays whom I listen to and what books to read. But all books, teachers that I encountered, and the few workshops and therapeutic experiences I had had, have certainly helped me to be the woman I am today. So I am deeply grateful and wouldn’t want to miss them for the world.
Last but not least, these few wise things became very clear over the years, when working through trauma and becoming more and more responsible, and empowered… -and no, I am by far not the first one who stated them:
Everything changes, so pain is temporary, as are the good times.
I can change my life and me.
Acceptance is the first step.
I am responsible. Always.
I am never a victim, unless that’s what I want to be.
Forgiveness is my ally.
Love sets me free.
Be kind to myself, no matter what.
If I want, be or do something, I can make it happen.
And while still growing and looking for answers, even after understanding the law of attraction, trauma psychology, past-lives, breathwork, EFT, the healing code, peak states and wholehearted healing work, many tools and healing modalities, and enlightenment teachings, I have to say there is not much out there that satisfies me or tingles my curiosity.
Maybe there is nothing new under the sun to discover? Maybe all things worth saying have been said. Who knows. What I know is that I am responsible for my inner state and can do the inner work and I love that. It makes me feel empowered and a real grown up. I am not afraid of pain.
But of course, I will keep looking and listening for more ways to increase my happiness and peace, especially by listening to my own inner voice. That’s the best healer, teacher, and friend there is. Try it out.
He or she might grow on you 😀