Myth #1: Everyone has one Soul mate, and if you can’t find him/her you’re doomed in the ‘true love’ department Hmmm, first of all, what’s a soul mate, then secondly, why only one? Who decided that?
The common belief of the twin flame, the other half, the one who is a chip from the same block, seems to be a common perception and definition of a ‘soulmate’. I do not want to make this wrong, maybe some really experience it that way. Me however, I have had rather deep, magical and intense connections with several lovers I thought and still think of as soulmates, but these relationships weren’t meant to be.
So what about them? Still my soulmates? Am I doomed to stay alone for the rest of my life? Will I have from now on only super compromised relationships, which aren’t worth it? Or are there many chips from the same block, just chipped away later or look different than expected?
I believe we are all each others soulmate. Even the people that really annoy and bug us. Maybe particularly them as they are our biggest chance to grow. What a privilege to know to how many people I am a soul mate annoying ‘the crap’ out of them (pardon my french here).
More, I believe my daughter is my soulmate, the people that really hurt me last year and made me have a good look at myself are my soul mates, and there was a cat once that I felt rather deeply connected with. I guess, she could have been my soul mate…I came to believe in good matches and happy couples, who usually have totally different personalities and their own tried and true tested coping mechanisms to be able to live with one another. And some can’t even live with one another… Some soulmates they are, eh?
Myth #2: Your soulmate and you will immediately know that you belong together – you simply click. It’s love at first sight.Oh Hollywood, you are certainly very good in fostering such beliefs in such strange claims, and in making us feel inadequate of we do not experience that magic. Too many couples, happy couples tell the story differently. Of how it took years, or decades to make the choice of being a couple, to commit to one another, or how they had been with two others first and then with the one (those bastards, couldn’t they wait?). So in case you’re in love with a friend and that since highschool, which is 20 years ago, good chance is he/she can still turn out to be your soulmate. Call her!Or that dude selling flowers at the corner store? Or the old librarian lady who always …
Myth #3: If you are with the One you do not have to work on your relationship – Ha, good one. Tell that to any couple whose honeymoon, the first few weeks/months are over. They all have issues and hick-ups as soon as the make-up and masks had come off, when every day life shows its mundane and sometimes disheartening nature. The other half begins to disappoint here and there, coming short, turning out to be normal, human.
So if those chips from the same block really mean something to each other then they will need to do some more chipping and do the work, or arguments will be a regular part of their times spent together, as will be silent treatments and snappy passive aggressive snippets shared in the hallway passing each other by. Oh, what fun are these soulmate relationships.
Making agreements, compromising, being honest, laying down masks, investigating, laying the soul bare, forgiving, becoming realistic and being a true listener are required to make any good relationship work. Let’s face it. It’s tough to be with one another, a completely different, unfathomable human being who we call soulmate.
Myth #4: If you lose your soulmate you will never find love again – Really? That sounds to me like something that creates pressure and sells well, like ‘take this new car home now or you’ll never find such a great offer again’. Romanticizing something or someone from the past is easy and sells well in books, making the long lost love feel so dear and rare. This kind of permanent heart break, or loss of the one person sells well as the tragedy of a life time.
Like if someone doesn’t recover from heart break, they are deemed to be the real lovers, right? We understand that when in a movie the man never marries again, it is because he only ever needed ‘her’ and no one will ever come close, and we love him for that commitment. However silly it actually is if we think about it. Romanticizing the unnecessary suffering as he/she seem to stop growing being stagnant and needing the lost one to be whole and a happy human again, and therefore doomed.
If someone likes to stay alone, sure, but don’t generalize it for everyone as a concept of true love. Lots of lovers left behind seem to forget the many things that drove them crazy while together with that one soulmate. So there’s a bite of reality.
As I said before, there are many people who match us or half match us. And love has different expressions and ways to show itself. So one relationship can look extremely passionate, another one rather subtle and deep.
Just stay alert to see what type of relationship you’re in and take it’s individual gifts as that. When it’s over, for whatever reasons, there might very well be another one afterward that bears different gifts.
Myth #5: The sex with your soulmate is the best you will ever have – As if. I don’t share that experience, BUT, I enjoyed the sex no matter what. Because I liked the lovers with all their imperfections. It was beautiful to connect so deeply with someone, and the rest was a bonus. We are all not perfect, no one is and it’s best to get clear on that myth. Good sex is work , honesty, revealing oneself, being vulnerable and open communication, even most magazines know this by now (and still promise the three 60 second orgasms in one session. Really? My lovers must have flunked in sex school).
Actually the best sex I have ever had was with a real piece of work, an ‘a$$#o1e’ (what a psycho he turned out to be) and he was a one-night stand. Go figure… (Don’t get me wrong, I tried to repeat that experience, the sex was too incredible, but hey, it didn’t happen -lucky me).
Myth#6: You are supposed to live and die for one another, or else it’s not real love –Well, that’s completely unrealistic, especially if you guys have kids or work full time. As if she will love to rub your ankles after her own day was tough, etc… I find high expectations always lead to failure and disappointments and a pressure no one can abide. So in case the dude forgets the anniversary- again, or doesn’t buy you whatever you hoped he would buy, think again, he is human. And isn’t responsible for your happiness.
Have I mentioned that? Nah, he/she is really not…
So she is not your Mum or Heidi Klum, so don’t expect her to take care of yourself and fulfill all your teenage wet dreams (grow up!). And hey, he is not supposed to be all you ever needed either: Prince, Superman, Spiderman and Batman all in one (please, girlfriend, move on.).
There is no all-rounder perfect love, or at least they’re so rare, we can’t make them the rule, or the rest of us would really feel left behind or outside, in the rain.
And ‘I love you’ really doesn’t mean much if you expect the world from the other and when he /she fail in your eyes, to drop the ‘You don’t love me enough’ bomb.
You guys simply share time together. Be grateful for whatever she or he are willing to share and do for you. I mean sometimes couples spend periods of time together, but aren’t even in the same space. All they can do is write emails, skype, send a parcel now and then and think a lot of one another.
Committing to the other, being with someone for any length of time can be painful, intense, exhilarating and hard work, disappointing, wonderful and boring. If you do it right, you learn and grow and develop with one another and appreciate it for that. Then you’ll receive the gift from that soulmate.
That’s what a soul mate does for you, help you grow, give you opportunity to look into the mirror. That’s all. That’s enough.
Myth #7: Soul mates are with each other forever – Nope, can’t confirm that one. As mentioned before the ones I experienced as soul mates had to leave rather sooner than later, being in deep trouble with their own life. There is not one show that fits all.
If we successfully busted the myth of being there only one soulmate for us, then when we are/were with several meaningful partners and they all served us on different levels, I would say, we have had many different meetings with various soul mates.
When the journey with one or many is over (I don’t want to neglect the polygamous coupes), don’t be shy to take the gifts received, the lessons learnt in your own journey, as the landmark of separation is reached, and stay open for a new relationship where you can share this new version of yourself.
I am often shocked when coupes are admired for how long they’ve been together, as if they should win a medal. And maybe some should. However, I don’t not believe that all these long term couples had it easy or worked out their stuff and kept faithfully their commitments.
Some of them do not talk to each other, sleep in different bedrooms and rather hate each other’s guts, but have reasons to not leave. Laziness, complacency, familiarity, fear of boredom and being alone, keeping the appearance, religion, etc.
Sometimes meaningful relationships need to end so we can develop further, find a clearer mirror and stay true to ourselves. If after two years or twenty years. Ultimately, it has nothing to do with the other.
Soulmate or not, your own soul comes first!